You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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