apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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