If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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