Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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