i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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