where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
