We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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