i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm having to shit out rocks
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
