When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
