Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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