Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
