you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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