I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
