i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize