Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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