now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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