My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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