so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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