So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
