I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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