Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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