If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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