Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
