my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
