Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
