there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
