I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
