The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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