i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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