I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
