You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
3pm strippers are depressing
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
