you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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