Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
