there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
