It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
