He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
