onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize