I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
