I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can't trust your balls anymore.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
