I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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