I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
