I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
