I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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