I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
