my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Will you blow on my dice?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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