Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
