I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
