Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
