This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
