All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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