thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
