3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
