My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize