You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
