Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
