I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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