You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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