Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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