My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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