I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
