Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
