Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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