WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
