I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
