There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
